12 Jan

Well, somewhere between a quarter and a mid (I hope).  They don’t have a name for that.  I guess they just call it “Almost 30”?

Nothing makes the reality that I’m getting older more apparent than the fact that I went to bed before 10pm last night (Friday) and woke up to “where can you buy mason jars” (direct quote) in my google search bar.

What will become of me?

In truth, I’m quite comfortable with those two things.  It’s all the rest of it that has me somewhat on edge.

It’s not the traditional “getting older” concerns I have (just yet).  I’m struggling with the “should I?” and “if not now, when?” and the ::gulp::-inducing “what if?” of it all.  I say a lot of it has to do with my job but I know there’s probably more.  I go back and forth between two extremes.  On one hand, I sometimes feel like there’s so much I want to do and so little time to do it in and I better hurry up and go and start and read and find and make and watch and see and write and do.  I’m also really antsy for constant change and to always move on to the next thing. As evidence: I’ve legitimately proposed moving to London, New Orleans, Portland and back to NYC to my husband over the course of the past year alone. “Just for a year?”… (PS – we’re not doing any of the above).

Then, other times, I get so exhausted and feel like it is hopeless and so the pendulum swings back the other way and I find myself throwing in the towel completely and spending a whole weekend, sullen, watching (almost) the entirety of seasons 1 and 2 of Downton Abbey for literally over 10 hours over the course of 2 days. [Last weekend. True story. Obsessed. To be continued.]

Don’t get me wrong.  There’s so much about my life that is magical and amazing and wonderful.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t save me from the questions, though.  It doesn’t stop me from pausing every once in a while and wondering: “wait, why are we all here, again?” or “can I quit my job now?” (But, that’s for another post, I suppose).

Are you rolling your eyes yet?  Are you all “hello this is life?” yet?  Part of me hopes so.

I know.  Much, if not all, of this is obviously internal. RED FLAG.  FLASHING LIGHTS.  SHINY THINGS.  LOOK OVER HERE. HELLO. I’m looking for answers, fulfillment and SOMETHING from the outside, and I know I have to look inward first to find that.

But, gosh, that’s a LOT of work and wouldn’t it be more fun to just go shopping and forget about all this instead?


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